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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in phil_quota's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, July 24th, 2008
9:41 pm
last night
I spend much of last night on the phone. I called Rikki, who I hadn't spoken to in at least a week. I also tried to call John, who I hadn't spoken to since his weekend of family stuff. I did end up speaking to him later that night. I also called Aiden. I was thinking about him a lot. I spent a night over his dorm in Connecticut last weekend. I was thinking about things we talked about briefly before exploring other tangents. I did want to go back and talk about those. I was also thinking about things that he likes. He likes vampire movies but how he had never seen any other incarnation of Dracula except for Nosferatu. He likes Tim Burton. I wondered if he had seen all of his movies. I was looking for possible movies to bring up next time I see him. I was also looking for possible future gifts to get him. I wanted to talk to him instead of thinking about talking to him. I called him after Rikki excused herself, stinky and exhausted, and John was unreachable. We talked for a good hour or more. I caught up with John. After I talked to John, I called Aiden back because I hung up with him because John was calling me. It was really nice. We got to talk on the phone, while it was thundering both in NJ and CT. It was like we were enjoying the same storm together. We also delved into a lot of unexplored subjects. I asked him more questions about his identity and sexuality. He said that much of the time, he is tired of people asking him the same ignorant questions. It was slightly awkward and painful for him but it was a subject he needed to confront. I also got to talk about my identity and sexuality. I don't get a chance to talk about it too often because there aren't many people who care to hear it. Many people don't like talking, especially not about personal stuff. We talked so much that my cordless phone died and I needed to use the extra crappy wired phone to call him back. It is really nice to have some one who likes to hear from me often.

Mmmm. Maybe there is something to this absense and heart fondness thing. I like long talks on the phone. When people get together there is an expectation to be doing something. There is also the possibility that nothing will happen except for smooching. Not that either doing something or smooching is bad but it is not talking. The telephone is designated for talking. Sometimes it is really important that things get said.

Current Mood: content
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
10:05 pm
Coz every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man.
Now, I'm sure Aiden feels strongly about queer issues. They come very close to home. However, he is not sure if he wants to continue on with film (Now that I have seen his films, I will need to ask him about this.) He is very uncertain about many things. Blame it on age I guess. He is 22. Also, this is something Tracey (the one whose name the room was under) did either last minute or without comepletely discussing it with Aiden. Either way, Aiden did not seem completely comfortable with the room he was staying being designated as a play room. There came a pauses in the conversation. I was trying to do anything I possibly could to keep things going until I could work up the courage to let this hottie know I am interested. I grab what is accessible and go around the room asking about people's experiences and preferences in S&M. When it came to Aiden, he did not answer firmly. Tracy summed up for him that he is not comfortable with his body. So, after all he is not into S&M and is thinking about leaving film behind. (Actually I'm not really into S&M as those who are kinky consider it. I'm more into "sensation play")

I'm not disappointed though as he is still physically sexy. He has bright brown eyes and lips that look most suitable for smooches.

Arrrgggh. I begin to tire. That is all for now.

Current Mood: sleepy
Sunday, July 6th, 2008
12:20 pm
Aiden blog
I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he". I will not call a MTF "he"...

I haven't come in contact with many transgendered people. I have one friend of a friend who is trans. I constantly call that person by the wrong pronouns. It is not that I am insensitive, it is that I'm an idiot. I think the universe is telling me it is time to fix that via crash course. I find myself romantically interested in a FTM trans from Connecticut name Aiden. Now that I just came out and asked how to refer to him, I need practice. I've already made two faux pas (once associating his caring behavior with "matriarch". Yikes! I don't think most *women* even want that association. Smooth, ain't I?!?!) The problems is I also have a paranoid superstition from not having really dated anyone in too damn long. I don't like talking about my romantic encounters. I feel like I might jinx it. So here it is. An unused journal turned into an exercise.

Aiden and I met at Jeff Mach's Totally Normal Event. I was milling about looking for people I found attractive so I could muster up the courage to talk to them. Unfortunately, this event was like Noah's Arc. There seemed to be many couples. Maybe I was hanging out in the wrong place. I spent a good deal of time in the Hedonist room. I'm thinking that it was a BYO rather than acquire on site. Fortunately, through the Hedonist room, I found out about some people's hotel rooms that they were designating as "play parties", rooms for people to perform and view S&M. Out of three of them, I started in the experienced Dom&Sub room and ended up in the curious n00b room. The room designations were not exactly written in stone, so I didn't know if was going to be like that. At one point in the night the people in the room were a man named Dave, the actually paying guest of the room whose name I can't remember at the moment, Aiden and me. Aiden was staying by the generosity of the paying guest. He is a broke college student. He majors in film. His topics are mostly queer activism. SHWIIIING! How hot is that? A queer activist hanging out in an S&M room! Well, that is not the entirety of the truth. I have to go back a to work now. I will write more later.

Current Mood: excited
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
1:01 pm
"There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind.

I'm full up of pouring my heart out in journals and getting zero response. While on other journals, people whine about their ipod breaking and get and overflow of sympathy. This is not too different from real life, where I got problems and people say to suck it up. This is not too different from real life where bums and malingerers get an overabundance of support and understanding. In terms of behaviorism, this is a good way to make people stop talking, for good or for bad. So that is what I am doing. So for all those of you who dread to see an entry from me on your friend's page, well you got your wish. I'm going to start doing a read only thing on here. See you in hell...

Current Mood: hateful
Friday, October 13th, 2006
4:28 pm
more dreams
At this point, I also never thought that I would be avoiding so many people. I especially have ex-girlfriends in mind, but others also. I kinda thought that I would reach a maturity level where I wouldn't feel the need to treat people like they have cooties. Unfortunately, I just find more and more people are crazy, bad for my life, steal my energy and poison my soul. It seems I need to avoid more of those people and have less opportunity to nurture relationships with people who keep in touch, include me in their life and spread generosity.
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
7:44 pm
I'm kind of reflecting. My last birthday was not too long ago. It was disappointing to say the least. What did I expect? Dancing girls? Limos? I don't know, just not the same places and the same people. I'm just disappointed in general. There are things that I only thought went on in my late child hood that I wouldn't have to deal with anymore. There were things that I had to put up with that I thought only happened among youths...things that people outgrew. Others that didn't out grow them, could be left behind in small corners of the world. I thought things would change, and open doors for more change. I never expected to hear the word "faggot", not unless I went to a football game with the wrong clothes. The funny thing is, I probably don't even count to the queer population. I never thought I would still have this athletic prejudice that I have. Unfortunately, events continue to reinforce it.I thought people would leave their jersey numbers behind with school sports and become humans instead of pack hunters. I thought I would stop being called "weirdo" or "dirty hippie", especially among "friends". Once again, especially since the actual vegans and activists don't even pick me up on their radar. Lastly, I never thought I would have what I say used against me. I didn't think that people would use things that come from my heart and my spirit to kill the source of my words. I never thought people would hate the things I do so much. I get so much shit for hanging out with other friends, taking care of my business or pursuing other interests. I thought people would understand, and also have things that they want apart from my friendship. This is all very disappointing. I don't know how I am going to handle it. I don't see any good coming from this.
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
4:58 pm
butt crack
I can't believe that women are still complaining about low rise jeans. It is like four years after they started making them. I guess I can't argue if you don't like the way they fit you. I like women more so in BDU's than most other things. I can argue with people that complain that they don't like to see butt crack. This is why I like to see butt crack.

1) more naked=good
butt crack, feet, under arms, whatever. It is still more naked.

2) The sciatic nerve
I like seeing a woman's lower back and even her butt crack. Maybe folks don't know the secret.
This is the area where the sciatic nerve runs. It is incredibly fun to caress and kiss. It is a
turn on to see this area exposed.

Current Mood: hopeful
Friday, July 21st, 2006
2:47 pm
anyone good at interpreting lyrics'njunk?
I have no idea what this song is about. I'm obviously intrigued by the title. I'm guessing she feels if she was a man, the person she is speaking to would understand her better, typical misunderstanding between women and men. Of course I am hoping for something juicier. Any input?

"You Make Me Want To Be A Man"

I really wanna tell you something
This is just the way I am
I really wanna tell you something, but I can't
You make me want to be a man
Arguments that have no meaning
This is just the way I am
You really wanna tell me something, but you can't
You make me want to be a man

The thunder and the rain called you and you came
We didn't need to say much to communicate
Now it's different; 99% is misinterpreted

I really wanna tell you something
This is just the way I am
I really wanna tell you something, but I can't
You make me want to be a man
Arguments that have no meaning
This is just the way I am
You really wanna tell me something, but you can't
You make me want to be a man

Every word you say finds a home in me
Nothing that anyone could ever say
Could hurt me like this
Baby please, don't light that cigarette
Don't light that cigarette

Current Mood: inh
9:28 am
Just as long as I don't need to write a report or do any actual work. I can do this garbage in, garbage out stuff.

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

You Passed 8th Grade US History

Congratulations, you got 6/8 correct!

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Current Mood: inh
Monday, July 10th, 2006
4:23 pm
I despise air conditioning
One of the many things that I like about the season of fire is how little I eat. I guess the scientific explanation is that the body needs less calories to keep warm. During the government shut down, I was able to save lots of money and eat less crap. Now today I am back at work, it is just me, the unnatural cool, the candy machine and an unforeseen, overpowering voraciousness. Fuck air conditioning.

Current Mood: irritated
Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
1:49 pm
very strange
ok, crushes and attractions come and go. Pretty faces and shapely bodies only hold my attention for so long. Even if there is some substance behind them, either something happens between us or it doesn't and I move on. I get over it. Also, I tend to think that I sort of have a type of woman I'm attracted to. Maybe it is not so much a type as a wide, but not all encompassing, range. I rarely have an attraction to an older woman. That is what I'm talking about today. I've been eye-balling this one woman here since day one. She dresses always like a Sicilian widow. She doesn't even wear anything cute or comfortable on Fridays. She has a whole bunch of long words on her name plate. Her job doesn't put her in a spot where she needs to work with people in the title like I have. She is very quite. It seems like she lives here. She must put in a lot of long hours. I think she gets here before I do and stays later than me. She seems very serious, almost somber. I never see her go to lunch or engage in office banter. That may be a good thing since most of the banter around here makes my head hurt. I don't think she drinks coffee. I never see her at the coffee pot. She seems a little like...a specter. I guess I'm attracted to the mystery. I guess I also revel in corrupting the innocent ones, assuming quiet=innocent. I'm rarely attracted to older women. I'm almost never attracted to women in power, teachers, moms, presidents, captains, leaders, etc. I don't know what it is about her that won't let go. We managed to be at the security door together three times in the past two days. I can't get her out of my head. The wahmyn's got me goin'!

P.S. another stupid thing, she has the same last name of a woman in my home office. Very attractive and was one of the people I first met and worked with there. Sometimes stupid coincidences like that make things stick for a bit.

Current Mood: schoolboy
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
9:12 am
"If I'm going to die, then I'm listening to my body tonight."
Is it wrong that I'm walking into work, listening to Prince, visioning myself as the Joker and his gang doing some "creative improvements" to the place, ala the move, Batman?

Current Mood: fierce
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
4:38 pm
holy hotness
went to the CWA union rally in Trenton yesterday. They are trying to cut state worker's benefits. (most) DYFS workers are stressed enough without having to worry about if they can take themselves or their families to the doctor.

They had female pipers at the rally! I want one!

Current Mood: you don't want to know
4:27 pm
new crack on the streets
A co-worker showed me this. If you type in a song, it will try to play it followed by other bands like it. It takes IP addresses or something, so it will only show you a sample once and then ask you to register. It is free to register and I don't know of anything bad that can happen from it. This is a godsend for me.

Current Mood: nice and distracted
Saturday, June 17th, 2006
5:13 pm
The Bank c. 1999
I was a wee lad in 1999, still breaking off the constraints set into me by catholic school and parents who still insist that bosses/police/professors are right. I fell in with some folks who liked to go out and have fun, some I am still friends with today :). One of the things we did was go to a club called The Bank. The music seemed so good and it didn't matter if we didn't know what it was or how to get a copy of it. We kept dancing, however badly and didn't stop. It was such a big deal to get all dressed up and go to the city. It didn't matter that we weren't drinking. It didn't matter that we were dragging ourselves home at the end of the night. We even got those "I don't go to clubs" and "I don't dance" people to come out. It was so much fun to make up the pretty but plain girls and macho boys. Now that I am looking back at things, I'm trying to remember some of the songs that were played. I'm sure some of it, I haven't heard since then and may never hear again. Some are classics that I will always hear. I'm trying to find those songs (X years later, I know, I'm a little slow). Now, that I am doing this, I remember a lot of 80s being played. I thought it was "some secret goth bands that no one else knows about". Maybe this is nostalgia making things seem sweeter, but I wasn't bored like when I hear and 80's set today. It is amazing to think of a club before VNV became popular. Can any one else contribute to this?

And One-Deutch Machine
Techno Man
The Cure-Just Like Heaven
Depeche Mode-Enjoy the Silence
It's No Good
Just Can't Get Enough
Garbage-#1 Crush
HIM-Wicked Game
Joy Division-Love Will Tear Us Apart
KMFDM-Juke Joint Jezebel
Cyndi Lauper-Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Lords of Acid-Rough Sex
Mortal Kombat-Techno Syndrome
New Order-Confusion
Nine Inch Nails-Head Like a Hole
Rammstein-Du Hast
Real Life-Send Me an Angel
The Smiths-How Soon Is Now?
When In Rome-The Promise
Wolfsheim-Once in a Lifetime
Rob Zombie-Dragula

Current Mood: high on information
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
6:59 pm
I see a pattern, a cycle, and I don't like it. (Do I start many entries like this?) I veer to one of two styles of life. One, I have definite, deliberate choices. I have very particular choices in clothing, foods, and music. There are places I want to go, things I want to do. I have an unmistakable agenda. Sounds good and focused, right? The problem is that anything I really really want to do, I do by myself. No one can seem to go along with my suggestion for shits and giggles or any other reason. My social life suffers and lingers on the brink of death. I never seem to be able to bond with people on a common value or interest, only on a personality click. That makes for some pretty good times but not much else. I envy the academics, the joiners, the artists...those involved that still have a very full network. Eventually, life loses its flavor. My life seems like checks on a very long list, rather than any memorable events. I begin to feel like shit. I begin to feel ashamed of my how I want to live my life, of who I am. I begin to be angry with loneliness. I break down and I give in.

The other is full of new friends, excitement, playfulness, whimsy. There is romance, intrigue, and enjoyment of the finer things in life. My social circle booms and thrives. These are the points where school work was sorely lacking and a job was bearly a thought in my mind. Where did I spend my time? Where ever the most people potential was. What clothes did I wear? What ever I thought would impress. Any money that came across my hands was spent on good food and drink or a new outfit, anything to beckon the next party. What usually happened? I would get struck by some illusion of permenancy, a catch all, a vehicle to achieve everything I ever wanted. After that inevitably falls short, I get cranky because something is sorely cramping my style. That causes a backlash into Style A. I've been on this ride at least three times. Balance seems just about out of the question. Any attempt to manage both seem futile or at worst causes the other to rapidly decline. So what now? I guess to maintain the lesser loss of dignity, I shall be a hermit.

Current Mood: carrying on, holding on
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
12:51 pm
sunshine is like crack for me!!

Current Mood: vitamin D poisoning
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
11:01 am
Why is it that when a women enjoys sports, martial arts, gaming, metal, manual skills or any traditionally male dominated activity, she is hot?

But when a man is into feminism, helping profession, child care, elder care, horticulture, cooking, crafts or shopping, it means he is a gay buddy or it may not even matter at all.

Current Mood: same as usual
Monday, April 3rd, 2006
3:11 pm
productive weekend
Well, this was successful.
I added another layer of bricks to my wall. Pretty soon, I won't be able to see out.

Current Mood: destroyed
Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
10:54 am
I'm in hell
Sometimes here, there are only fairly short and simple tasks for the day. They can be completed quickly so as early as 2pm, there is nothing to do. I'm finding it fairly hard to be industrious and enterprising. Clicking around and bantering with coworkers is significantly more discouraged here more than my home office. I ended up pitching in on another worker's assignment. It is essentially copy work, monotonous, void of skill.

It involved selecting a case out of scores that some how are all assigned to one worker. Weather they are actually assigned to this worker or only assigned in the system is unclear. They still need to be moved for the system
1) scroll down (way down because other people are working on this too)
2) select a case
3) click a drop down
4) click a link
5) click click a drop down
6) click another drop down
7) click a third drop down
8) click a button
9) click another button
10) scroll down and select and office (out of a couple dozen)
11) scroll down and find the supervisor (out of a dozen or two)
12) click the case worker
13) click a finish button
14) repeat for all the other cases

on top of this joy, the employees have a radio button and a drop down next to them like so


For two of them, I accidentally clicked the radio button for the supervisor and clicked the drop down, revealing nothing, for the worker under her, thus selecting the supervisor instead of the worker. Simple kinda mistake, especially when your eyes are glazing over from this. Anyone with any sense would realize this is mistake and do not need to take this assignment seriously, especially since it is labeled "No Action Required". The help desk got a call from the supervisor inquiring about this. The person who responded felt the need to come over and explain what happened, in detail, like I am here except that I'm familiar with this and 99% of this explaination could be cut out. Then she felt the need to explain the importance of this to me. Did I mention it was 4:57 PM and was packing up for the day? Then of course, she couldn't have just come over with the case numbers written down. She needed to email them to me.

>Hi Philip,
>These cases should be assigned to the intended Generic Worker
>entry as soon as possible:"

and also felt the need to write about it to my supervisor, who then wrote to us

>Just wanted to forward the following message from (witheld) at the
>HelpDesk - I know that moving the cases is repetitious and
>boring, but please try to remember that our mistakes have a
>direct negative effect on the field, and we really don't want to
>do that...
>From (withheld)...
>"FYI - The Help Desk received two calls (one today and one
>Friday) regarding primary worker assignments made to Casework
>Supervisor Designees on several cases. I reviewed DB Surfer and
>found that a Superuser last updated the assignment row on each
>case. In both instances, the Superuser told me they were
>attempting to make assignments to the Generic Worker entry and
>instead made a primary worker assignment to the CWS Designee
>(both Superusers also corrected the assignments as soon as I
>alerted them of the problem).
>Superusers may need to be reminded to refresh the Search window
>when moving cases in NJ SPIRIT to ensure they made the correct

"we are putting new cover sheets on the TPS reports"X 50

I was talking about work with Matthew and he called me a pencil pusher. He is right. I hate life. Life hates me.

Current Mood: angry
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